So a friend of mine asks me to start writing about hating cold. Cold is funny, in a way, people who hate it do so for the exact same reason that those who like it feel that way for; the need to snuggle into bed with a hot drink while the winds roar outside and all that crap. Winter is cold. Cold is dangerous to your body that's why it's less bearable and more horrible. Do not support the cold by attempting to poke fun at it. I could use a warm jacuzzi dip right now.
There's a 60 cm high mosque, a miniature in marble, on the floor. I'll guess we'll never know the reason why its taking up space in the living room.
Instead of writing marble in the paragraph above, I wrote garlic at first, for some reason. I was probably sleepy.
I'm listening to a song about a guy who knows the weedman. Apparently that's something big. I don't know any weedmen though. Must have something to do with the fact that I don't do weed. but still, if they have songs about weedmen, why don't I know one?
So I'm watching the King Kong remake. Good movie. Lotsof hype at Universal Studios in LA too. The King Kong vs T-Rex scene is legendary. Just like Barney Stinson, only less blond and less formally dressed.
It's funny how today was the exact mirror image of a day that happened 9 months ago. I like mirror images, they show irony, and I lvoe a touch of irony in life, it makes everything vastly more interesting.
How come I usually write really long paragraphs, only this time I decided to keep everything brisk and short? For some reason, short seems crisp at the moment, and I like crisp, it's usually very refreshing.
Apparently a friend of mine thinks my aura is red coloured. Cool, right?
How come all female-oriented ads are about moisturizers these days? What happened to good-ol'-fashioned water? Don't people drink that anymore? True moisture comes from the inside, people, and no, Gordon's Dry gin doesn't count.
King Kong is a really sad movie. It sends its point across very well. Which is the real beast, the furry primate or the bipedal one? You be the judge.
Peanuts are fun.
That's it for now, But I promise I'll be back soon with a new post.
"Ey mama, I know the weedman"
Saturday, 18 December 2010
Saturday, 6 November 2010
Partners in Slime
Justin Bieber. Boogers. What do they have in common? Alot, but I won't be elaborating since some ladies actually read this. I'm not too worried about the ladies being effish, i's just that women put a damper on men's jokes. Just saying, Lord LG. Life's Good.
Some people are special. Some people are worth little less than the amount of interest the average Joe pays tot he inscriptions on the sewer lids. But enough about those, let's rewind tot he special ones. I personally have a number of categories for those. Examples: those who would tolerate listening to ur music without complaining too much. Those who would write stories with small inside jokes for your amusement. Those who would risk loads to go out there and help you out. Those who would make something as simple as sitting in a car a very memorable experience. Those who would make you make fun of them just for the fun of it. Those who wear silvery purple nailpolish (I like silvery purple). Those who can cook, and are willing to feed you. Et cetera.
German is the only language in which you have to capitalise the nouns as a rule. Arabic is the only language with an individual letter symbolising a stressed D syllable. English is the only language in which it is grammatically acceptable to say "like" so many times, with side effects including you sounding like a moron.French is the only language that makes you sound like something that bleeds every 28 days. Ialian is the only language, besides Arabic, in which sharsha7a can be a well-practiced art. Esperanto is the only language that makes you feel like you've got it all under control but then you realise you're still a dumdum. You speak German?
Caramel's burned sugar, so to say. But if we add burned sugar to chocolate which contains unburnt sugar, it tastes good. Try adding burned bread to unburnt bread. It'll still taste horrible. so what's the secret? I have no idea. 2Pac once said "They say the darker the berry, the sweeter the fruit, well i say the darker the colour, the deeper the roots". I know he wasn't talking about caramel, but does that mean that the darker the caramel the deeper the sugar plantation? Let's assum,e therte is such a thing as a deep sugar plantation. does that mean the sugar canes grow underground? Ants will have a field day, so it's not too practical. But it does mean we'll have managed to genetically engineer a plant that needs no light to grow. What's next, a World of Warcraft who won't get addicted? Get real, people.
That's all for tonight. not in a very talkative mood, but I'll leave you with one of my world-famous lines:
If the Aztecs used cocoa beans for money, and we print banknotes out of paper, how come we keep on saying that money doesn't grow on trees?
Adiaux
Some people are special. Some people are worth little less than the amount of interest the average Joe pays tot he inscriptions on the sewer lids. But enough about those, let's rewind tot he special ones. I personally have a number of categories for those. Examples: those who would tolerate listening to ur music without complaining too much. Those who would write stories with small inside jokes for your amusement. Those who would risk loads to go out there and help you out. Those who would make something as simple as sitting in a car a very memorable experience. Those who would make you make fun of them just for the fun of it. Those who wear silvery purple nailpolish (I like silvery purple). Those who can cook, and are willing to feed you. Et cetera.
German is the only language in which you have to capitalise the nouns as a rule. Arabic is the only language with an individual letter symbolising a stressed D syllable. English is the only language in which it is grammatically acceptable to say "like" so many times, with side effects including you sounding like a moron.French is the only language that makes you sound like something that bleeds every 28 days. Ialian is the only language, besides Arabic, in which sharsha7a can be a well-practiced art. Esperanto is the only language that makes you feel like you've got it all under control but then you realise you're still a dumdum. You speak German?
Caramel's burned sugar, so to say. But if we add burned sugar to chocolate which contains unburnt sugar, it tastes good. Try adding burned bread to unburnt bread. It'll still taste horrible. so what's the secret? I have no idea. 2Pac once said "They say the darker the berry, the sweeter the fruit, well i say the darker the colour, the deeper the roots". I know he wasn't talking about caramel, but does that mean that the darker the caramel the deeper the sugar plantation? Let's assum,e therte is such a thing as a deep sugar plantation. does that mean the sugar canes grow underground? Ants will have a field day, so it's not too practical. But it does mean we'll have managed to genetically engineer a plant that needs no light to grow. What's next, a World of Warcraft who won't get addicted? Get real, people.
That's all for tonight. not in a very talkative mood, but I'll leave you with one of my world-famous lines:
If the Aztecs used cocoa beans for money, and we print banknotes out of paper, how come we keep on saying that money doesn't grow on trees?
Adiaux
Saturday, 30 October 2010
The Pacific Dilemma
"So where there's smoke there's fire, where there's fire there's flames, where there's flames there's Chronic, either you high or you ain't" - Dr. Dre.
"It must be the ganja, it's the marijuana, that's creepin' up on me, why I'm so high" - Eminem
Why have I started my blogpost with two rap weed-related quotes? No idea.
So what with Ye7ya being in the Grammys, Wezza's video spreading like wildfire, pussy AUCians protesting over some pussy shit and my cursing levels reaching this month's high, it's been a very nice October, thank you for asking. Yesterday I heard this really great joke. Remind me to tell you about it later in this post. What's up with hair ointment advertisements these days? What kind of idiot really believes that olive oil/mayonnaise extract/wheat extract/cactus juice/snakeskin fat can nourish hair? Seriously? I mean, last time I checked, hair was, kind of, like, a dead structure, and, well, zombies aside, most dead things don't usually require too much nutrition, you know. Besides, for something that 97% protein and 3% water, it sure does require loads of fat for nourishment, what's with all these oils, don't you think? Someone should sue, but I won't, I'll be the skeptic viewer watching the trial on TV and making fun of everyone. Oh, wait, they've banned the media from trial halls. Crap.
"El-So2al dah VIP STUMP. 7ad fahem 7aga?". If this quote doesn't ring any bells, then you're welcome to skip this paragraph. What's up with Doctor catchphrases? Why would I care about Jewish pathologists? Why would you verbally abuse Jewish pathologists? Not only ave they created the science you teach as a means of feeding your family, you also suck at it more than they do. And what's with the worms guy, seriously. "Maho law kont betgeeb el 5eyar 3ashan taklo kont 3ereft"? Seriously? That's just wrong, dude. Lose the goatee. I wouldn't want to see my son grow up into this, let alone see myself grow up into this. It's a hard knock life.
What's up with trunks? From vegetables (Black Eyed Peas) ("whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?") to rapping M&M ("you got more junk in your trunk than I do in my car") and the world is still thinking about the common points between asses and graphics cards. Get over it people, they both give you something to look at. So now you can literally go to the "hood" to "pimp your ride" (your ride not being your car) and working on that front "bumper" and that "trunk", making it "bounce". Gotta love the innuendo. Or cars. Or women. OR Cars AND Women. What's the difference between 'em anyway, apart from the metal, and much lower running costs and the much lower word-spoken-per-minute rating? (You all know which of the pair I'm praising right now, don't you?).
So, I'm bored with this post, so I'll just leave you all with that joke I promised earlier:
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
"It must be the ganja, it's the marijuana, that's creepin' up on me, why I'm so high" - Eminem
Why have I started my blogpost with two rap weed-related quotes? No idea.
So what with Ye7ya being in the Grammys, Wezza's video spreading like wildfire, pussy AUCians protesting over some pussy shit and my cursing levels reaching this month's high, it's been a very nice October, thank you for asking. Yesterday I heard this really great joke. Remind me to tell you about it later in this post. What's up with hair ointment advertisements these days? What kind of idiot really believes that olive oil/mayonnaise extract/wheat extract/cactus juice/snakeskin fat can nourish hair? Seriously? I mean, last time I checked, hair was, kind of, like, a dead structure, and, well, zombies aside, most dead things don't usually require too much nutrition, you know. Besides, for something that 97% protein and 3% water, it sure does require loads of fat for nourishment, what's with all these oils, don't you think? Someone should sue, but I won't, I'll be the skeptic viewer watching the trial on TV and making fun of everyone. Oh, wait, they've banned the media from trial halls. Crap.
"El-So2al dah VIP STUMP. 7ad fahem 7aga?". If this quote doesn't ring any bells, then you're welcome to skip this paragraph. What's up with Doctor catchphrases? Why would I care about Jewish pathologists? Why would you verbally abuse Jewish pathologists? Not only ave they created the science you teach as a means of feeding your family, you also suck at it more than they do. And what's with the worms guy, seriously. "Maho law kont betgeeb el 5eyar 3ashan taklo kont 3ereft"? Seriously? That's just wrong, dude. Lose the goatee. I wouldn't want to see my son grow up into this, let alone see myself grow up into this. It's a hard knock life.
What's up with trunks? From vegetables (Black Eyed Peas) ("whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?") to rapping M&M ("you got more junk in your trunk than I do in my car") and the world is still thinking about the common points between asses and graphics cards. Get over it people, they both give you something to look at. So now you can literally go to the "hood" to "pimp your ride" (your ride not being your car) and working on that front "bumper" and that "trunk", making it "bounce". Gotta love the innuendo. Or cars. Or women. OR Cars AND Women. What's the difference between 'em anyway, apart from the metal, and much lower running costs and the much lower word-spoken-per-minute rating? (You all know which of the pair I'm praising right now, don't you?).
So, I'm bored with this post, so I'll just leave you all with that joke I promised earlier:
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
Tuesday, 19 October 2010
Living Room Oil Spill
It's been a pretty hectic day. what with standing on sidewalks reminiscing on old memories while watching hungry stray cats sniff everything for food remains, to discussing why am I still standing there after class, and with people egging em to upload my blog, coughing, sleeping in class, having dreams in class, waking up in class, waking other people up in class, eating Sondos crepes, i'ev barely had time to breathe, eat, surf the web, chat online and make a couple of phone calls. They should definitely pay me for this.
My cat has a black nose. He's sitting on my lap as I write this. I love the little retarded furball.
Have you heard of Dr. Mousa and his schistosoma jokes? If not,t hen I don't suggest you try.
I like pomegranate, they're juicy and pink and delicious. They're good for you, way better laxative than cigarettes. go get your pomegranate NOW.
I will not buy a new phone that costs me Idon'tcarehowmany EGP a day so I can talk to my friends on the go. Whatever happened to ADSL and/or Ebuddy + WAP?
I gave someone I know a nickname a while back. An onomatopoeia nickname, matter of fact. I think it's cute. Don't go jelling, because you probably won't get one. This is Ismail's Royalty Treatment. Are you Royalty?
I think my cat's running on batteries.
Aaaaaaand that's all for tonight folks. As I always say, teeth are overrated. Mashed apples are too.
My cat has a black nose. He's sitting on my lap as I write this. I love the little retarded furball.
Have you heard of Dr. Mousa and his schistosoma jokes? If not,t hen I don't suggest you try.
I like pomegranate, they're juicy and pink and delicious. They're good for you, way better laxative than cigarettes. go get your pomegranate NOW.
I will not buy a new phone that costs me Idon'tcarehowmany EGP a day so I can talk to my friends on the go. Whatever happened to ADSL and/or Ebuddy + WAP?
I gave someone I know a nickname a while back. An onomatopoeia nickname, matter of fact. I think it's cute. Don't go jelling, because you probably won't get one. This is Ismail's Royalty Treatment. Are you Royalty?
I think my cat's running on batteries.
Aaaaaaand that's all for tonight folks. As I always say, teeth are overrated. Mashed apples are too.
Saturday, 14 August 2010
Comprehensive Calligraphy
Yes, everyone, it's true, this really IS my third post in two days. New personal record. Gold medal and red carpet treatment for me then. I've only bothered to write this thing is because I've promised a really good friend of mine, that I will. And, I did, duh. This means that this post will revolve entirely around things we both have discussed in the near or far past, present or future, so, don't be alarmed if you understand absolutely nothing, but be comforted that, someone out there actually knows what I'm talking about.
Kids. 4 letters, big meanings. Small brats who poop their pants, drool all over the Persian carpet and yell all the time, or adorable little beings with soft skin and limited intelligence and life-expertise that makes us wan to go all aww? You be the judge. The ability to fall in love instantaneously with a wrinkled, red, hairy grubby creature that's been leeching nutrients off you-making it the biggest form of parasite ever, right after that jerk of a roommate we all have- has always been something experienced, and enjoyed, by women. The same can't be said for men, who, for obvious reasons, have a natural aversion to anything wrinkled, hairy, red or anything that couldn't be placed on the cover of Vogue anyway. Women who are good with children are really attractive to men, though, so it can be all-bad, can it? We learn to live with it, because some things are more important than others, such as, hmm, gouda cheese and Old Spice cologne.
Huge bosoms attract men. Granted. Moustaches do not. Granted. What I do find inexplicable is, despite all the pretenses men give while around their guy-friends, which may, or may not, include references to the redhead who just passed by, or to the foreign girl they just happened to take home the other night, they still manage to fall for charm that does not require eyes and a hugely-sexually-centred visual centre in the brain. Men still can appreciate efficiency, sweetness and care, but they are still confusing idiots, make no mistake. Try again in a couple of thousand millenia, maybe evolution would have helped.
It's funny how laughter can hold so many different meanings, if you set your mind to it. It also intrigues me how women can kickbox all day and still feel pain they can't help but feel. It's also funny how, at the end of the day, life goes on no matter how much crap is dumped all over our heads and despite everything we do to get ourselves to live with it. Life goes on, senorita, so you'd better keep going. Don't stop.
"We can have vasectomies, hysterectomies, tonsillectomies, but, even though people can technically remain physiologically alive without hearts, we've never head of a cardiectomy. Now you mention it, we haven't heard of a cerebrectomy either." - Ismail El-Kharbotly, open for interpretation.
Kids. 4 letters, big meanings. Small brats who poop their pants, drool all over the Persian carpet and yell all the time, or adorable little beings with soft skin and limited intelligence and life-expertise that makes us wan to go all aww? You be the judge. The ability to fall in love instantaneously with a wrinkled, red, hairy grubby creature that's been leeching nutrients off you-making it the biggest form of parasite ever, right after that jerk of a roommate we all have- has always been something experienced, and enjoyed, by women. The same can't be said for men, who, for obvious reasons, have a natural aversion to anything wrinkled, hairy, red or anything that couldn't be placed on the cover of Vogue anyway. Women who are good with children are really attractive to men, though, so it can be all-bad, can it? We learn to live with it, because some things are more important than others, such as, hmm, gouda cheese and Old Spice cologne.
Huge bosoms attract men. Granted. Moustaches do not. Granted. What I do find inexplicable is, despite all the pretenses men give while around their guy-friends, which may, or may not, include references to the redhead who just passed by, or to the foreign girl they just happened to take home the other night, they still manage to fall for charm that does not require eyes and a hugely-sexually-centred visual centre in the brain. Men still can appreciate efficiency, sweetness and care, but they are still confusing idiots, make no mistake. Try again in a couple of thousand millenia, maybe evolution would have helped.
It's funny how laughter can hold so many different meanings, if you set your mind to it. It also intrigues me how women can kickbox all day and still feel pain they can't help but feel. It's also funny how, at the end of the day, life goes on no matter how much crap is dumped all over our heads and despite everything we do to get ourselves to live with it. Life goes on, senorita, so you'd better keep going. Don't stop.
"We can have vasectomies, hysterectomies, tonsillectomies, but, even though people can technically remain physiologically alive without hearts, we've never head of a cardiectomy. Now you mention it, we haven't heard of a cerebrectomy either." - Ismail El-Kharbotly, open for interpretation.
Friday, 13 August 2010
Underrating Machine Guns
So, this marks the first blog post I happen to write while being food-deprived, which, as the people closest to me would know, is the third most dangerous state to be in. Food depravity, combined with dreams of cannibalistic party-goers and shiny neon green toxic bugs, are enough to drive anyone to the very brink of extinction. I had a theory a coupe of days back that the dinosaurs died out because they did not have the opposable thumbs to invent TV or writing, and after several million years of life on Earth, there are only so many things you can do, so one day, they just decided watching swamp plants die is too damn boring, and they just, I don't know, jumped off a cliff or something. Luckily, us humans managed to just discover fire before we got this insane, and with the discovery of fire came the habit of sitting around fireplaces,grilling stuff and talking, as a means of entertainment. Did anyone notice that the word 'discovery' had the word 'disco' in it?
After wasting a number of potential hours reading a book that comprised the Nordic god Thor, a green immortal alien who thrived on drinking every form of beer present in the universe and insulting people in alphabetic order, I have come to think that maybe the Infinite Improbability Drive thing could work. I like how the word Froody sounds. Reminds me of Fred Flinstone. Never liked him.
People have accused me of hogging a mind that was an exceedingly entertaining place to live. Matter of fact, some even went as far as to suggest that I have invented a new form of hallucinogenic form of liquor that has permanent effect. This can not happen, and therefore, has not. Why? Because, had I invented this form of liquor, I would have had such creative energy in me to have burned my way through all the pleasures of life, and got so bored by the time I became 30 I built a time machine so I can go back in time and keep myself company with the only person I feel really understands me, most of the time. Me. However, since I do not have a mega cool middle-age friend who's just as awesome as I am, add the great gizmos of the future, then, yeah, I'm not on that amazing liquor thing. Sorry.
Someday I'll create a new superweapon made of an emo kid with the ability to absorb all negative emotions from the world and use it to self destruct, killing everyone around him/her. This new weapon will make super rich and famous because its usage will be a win-win situation: I get money, the emo kid dies and gets his misery over with, the world loses its content of negative emotion for a while, everyone is happy, the dead people won't have to pay taxes anymore and the people who deployed the bomb got what they wanted. Everybody wins. Maybe I'll offer different models: one with goth kids, others with ghetto kids. This last one will be superb, it can even squirt kool-aid after it's been detonated. Some people would call me a racist, but then I'd give them my talk about the new idiot Drake, yeah, the one who supposedly raps, but that's another story.
So, until next time friends, make sure your poodles are kept away from next winter's supply of ponchos. Sayonara!
I can see a hard disk, silver on top, black and green below,
I have no idea why people use things at parties to make their teeth glow,
Must be a new novelty, but hey, next thing you know,
The next big thing would be to have a double chin grow.
After wasting a number of potential hours reading a book that comprised the Nordic god Thor, a green immortal alien who thrived on drinking every form of beer present in the universe and insulting people in alphabetic order, I have come to think that maybe the Infinite Improbability Drive thing could work. I like how the word Froody sounds. Reminds me of Fred Flinstone. Never liked him.
People have accused me of hogging a mind that was an exceedingly entertaining place to live. Matter of fact, some even went as far as to suggest that I have invented a new form of hallucinogenic form of liquor that has permanent effect. This can not happen, and therefore, has not. Why? Because, had I invented this form of liquor, I would have had such creative energy in me to have burned my way through all the pleasures of life, and got so bored by the time I became 30 I built a time machine so I can go back in time and keep myself company with the only person I feel really understands me, most of the time. Me. However, since I do not have a mega cool middle-age friend who's just as awesome as I am, add the great gizmos of the future, then, yeah, I'm not on that amazing liquor thing. Sorry.
Someday I'll create a new superweapon made of an emo kid with the ability to absorb all negative emotions from the world and use it to self destruct, killing everyone around him/her. This new weapon will make super rich and famous because its usage will be a win-win situation: I get money, the emo kid dies and gets his misery over with, the world loses its content of negative emotion for a while, everyone is happy, the dead people won't have to pay taxes anymore and the people who deployed the bomb got what they wanted. Everybody wins. Maybe I'll offer different models: one with goth kids, others with ghetto kids. This last one will be superb, it can even squirt kool-aid after it's been detonated. Some people would call me a racist, but then I'd give them my talk about the new idiot Drake, yeah, the one who supposedly raps, but that's another story.
So, until next time friends, make sure your poodles are kept away from next winter's supply of ponchos. Sayonara!
I can see a hard disk, silver on top, black and green below,
I have no idea why people use things at parties to make their teeth glow,
Must be a new novelty, but hey, next thing you know,
The next big thing would be to have a double chin grow.
Glazed Pottery
I've been receiving tons of letters from the masses of fans I have out there asking me questions about my personal life, but, today, I choose to share some with you, my readers, fans, haters, and mother (if she managed to find her way here):
Question #457: Ismail, do you prefer electric or manual toothbrushes?
Answer: Manual: They're free to operate, they cost less, and nobody needs more excuses to laze off toothbrush duty. Plus, it comes in more colours. gotta love colours.
Question #385: Dear Ismail, we salute you from an alternate dimensional Earth where us Nazis have managed to create a pan-dimensional radio to listen to your show and transmit your message, and we would like to ask what is your take on the Fuehrer?
Answer: Well, I'd suggest the Fuehrer lose the mustache, this is 2010 for crying outloud, and tell him I say hi, and to thank his mum for her delicious crab cakes.
Question #21: Ismail El-Kharbotly: How do you manage to stay so thin?
Answer: It's a genetic trick developed by my ancestors so that all the ladies would want to have my babies to make sure their kids are as thin as I am. It's working.
Question #409: What inspired you to write your world famous best-seller "Ismail El-Kharbotly's Guide to Understanding Those Shopping-Obsessed Humanoids We Call Women"?
Answer: Well, this might come out as a shock to some fans, but it's really quite simple: I wanetd to write a guide that has my name on it for people who don't understand women, who happen to be humanoids by the way, and who like to shop. The inspiration stemmed from the eternal clash that results between a guy thinking something is gay, which would translate in a woman's mind as sweet. Men hate shopping.
Question #7658: How are you so warm?
Answer: People never believe me when I tell them I'm so hot I'm on FIIIIIIREE, on the inside, that is. Their loss.
Question #998: How do you always keep a smile on our faces?
Answer: By being a good person, helping the old and the poor, teaching the young, driving safely, and eating sugar responsibly. I never take medications without my doctor's prescription, and I eat all my veggies and leave nothing on the table, so I grew up to be big and strong!
Question #45: Who do you think will find this blogpost worth reading?
Answer: I could say something as dramatic as "I write to satisfy the muse within me, not to please any man" but then again, maybe no one will. Does it make a difference?
Question # 768: Waht do you pride yourself on?
Answer: My ability to fall asleep anytime, anywhere. Comes in handy.
Question #9976: What's next?
Answer: What's next is that I'll end this blogpost, but first:
I like baked beans, I don't like cauliflower,
I like disco I can feel the power,
But disco is dead and Elvis is from outer space,
He left the critics hanging and went on to a better place.
No idea what Elvis has to do with disco though.
Question #457: Ismail, do you prefer electric or manual toothbrushes?
Answer: Manual: They're free to operate, they cost less, and nobody needs more excuses to laze off toothbrush duty. Plus, it comes in more colours. gotta love colours.
Question #385: Dear Ismail, we salute you from an alternate dimensional Earth where us Nazis have managed to create a pan-dimensional radio to listen to your show and transmit your message, and we would like to ask what is your take on the Fuehrer?
Answer: Well, I'd suggest the Fuehrer lose the mustache, this is 2010 for crying outloud, and tell him I say hi, and to thank his mum for her delicious crab cakes.
Question #21: Ismail El-Kharbotly: How do you manage to stay so thin?
Answer: It's a genetic trick developed by my ancestors so that all the ladies would want to have my babies to make sure their kids are as thin as I am. It's working.
Question #409: What inspired you to write your world famous best-seller "Ismail El-Kharbotly's Guide to Understanding Those Shopping-Obsessed Humanoids We Call Women"?
Answer: Well, this might come out as a shock to some fans, but it's really quite simple: I wanetd to write a guide that has my name on it for people who don't understand women, who happen to be humanoids by the way, and who like to shop. The inspiration stemmed from the eternal clash that results between a guy thinking something is gay, which would translate in a woman's mind as sweet. Men hate shopping.
Question #7658: How are you so warm?
Answer: People never believe me when I tell them I'm so hot I'm on FIIIIIIREE, on the inside, that is. Their loss.
Question #998: How do you always keep a smile on our faces?
Answer: By being a good person, helping the old and the poor, teaching the young, driving safely, and eating sugar responsibly. I never take medications without my doctor's prescription, and I eat all my veggies and leave nothing on the table, so I grew up to be big and strong!
Question #45: Who do you think will find this blogpost worth reading?
Answer: I could say something as dramatic as "I write to satisfy the muse within me, not to please any man" but then again, maybe no one will. Does it make a difference?
Question # 768: Waht do you pride yourself on?
Answer: My ability to fall asleep anytime, anywhere. Comes in handy.
Question #9976: What's next?
Answer: What's next is that I'll end this blogpost, but first:
I like baked beans, I don't like cauliflower,
I like disco I can feel the power,
But disco is dead and Elvis is from outer space,
He left the critics hanging and went on to a better place.
No idea what Elvis has to do with disco though.
Friday, 6 August 2010
So, I'm back to my infrequent blog posts, and back to the country. Traveling's nice, it's good for you. Try it. Marina's not considered traveling. Marina sucks. Too boring, too typical, and everyone goes and stays there for extended periods of time. Boring much? Don't get me started on how the humidity makes your hair stick to the nape of ur neck. Just don't.
I'm actually posting this particular post because my only 4 readers have all promised to pay me for it. Maybe I should just ask for an exorbitant gift, such as, hmm, ear wax from people who carry the direct lineage of the original human races as they divided one by one from the main African ancestor. Fresh ear wax. Direct descendants too, mind.
I recently bought this book called Guns, Germs and Steel. Regardless of its content, for some reason I can't help but think about how much more pleasant the title would sound with an alliteration. It's called an alliteration, right? how about Guns, Germs and Gangsta Groove? Guns, Germs and Ganja? Guns, Germs and Goliath? Guns, Germs and Gacob Glack? (sorry, that was the only way I could let it fit in, sorry Team Edward ladies).
One thing I never quite got the hang of at gyms. Why are all the weights large and made of steel? Can't they make smaller sized weights packed with high density material to crete high weights? or is it the fact that putting seemingly-large weights on helps give athletes a psychological boost?
Seriously? Irish coffee?
No idea why I just typed that, I swear.
Akon must be the biggest asshole in the history of hip hop. When rappers talk abuot women, they talk only vaguely, they do't promise women money and love and whatsnot, but Akon, Akon promises each girl the world, then moves onto another girl in the next song with different promises, then goes out to talk about peping at the neighbour. Serious. Issues.
When hear the Forrest Gump quote "Life's like a box of chocolates, you never know what you'll get" I keep on wondering why the hell didn't anyone bother to read the ingredients or product escription on the back of the box.
I fire my laser beam, you scream,
Your suit shuts down, your gun stops firing,
You stop wearing moisturising cream, it might seem,
It's all over, Laser Tag is no longer inspiring.
I'm actually posting this particular post because my only 4 readers have all promised to pay me for it. Maybe I should just ask for an exorbitant gift, such as, hmm, ear wax from people who carry the direct lineage of the original human races as they divided one by one from the main African ancestor. Fresh ear wax. Direct descendants too, mind.
I recently bought this book called Guns, Germs and Steel. Regardless of its content, for some reason I can't help but think about how much more pleasant the title would sound with an alliteration. It's called an alliteration, right? how about Guns, Germs and Gangsta Groove? Guns, Germs and Ganja? Guns, Germs and Goliath? Guns, Germs and Gacob Glack? (sorry, that was the only way I could let it fit in, sorry Team Edward ladies).
One thing I never quite got the hang of at gyms. Why are all the weights large and made of steel? Can't they make smaller sized weights packed with high density material to crete high weights? or is it the fact that putting seemingly-large weights on helps give athletes a psychological boost?
Seriously? Irish coffee?
No idea why I just typed that, I swear.
Akon must be the biggest asshole in the history of hip hop. When rappers talk abuot women, they talk only vaguely, they do't promise women money and love and whatsnot, but Akon, Akon promises each girl the world, then moves onto another girl in the next song with different promises, then goes out to talk about peping at the neighbour. Serious. Issues.
When hear the Forrest Gump quote "Life's like a box of chocolates, you never know what you'll get" I keep on wondering why the hell didn't anyone bother to read the ingredients or product escription on the back of the box.
I fire my laser beam, you scream,
Your suit shuts down, your gun stops firing,
You stop wearing moisturising cream, it might seem,
It's all over, Laser Tag is no longer inspiring.
Wednesday, 7 July 2010
Players' Ball
Hello again, midgets. It's your favourite blogger back in the biz after a little bit of a break, but now that exams are over and Snoop is blaring around, it's time to give y'all a piece of my mind yet again. Let's start with my favourite topic, the cat, who developed less masculine ways to lie on the cold ceramic floor to cool himself down. I'm thinking about submitting his poses to National Geographic, see what they think about him. Stupid little furball.
"And got no money in my pocket but I'm already here". Oh, sorry, anyway, so, like I was saying, now that my Oral exams (no, I don't mean the perverted definition) are done, with their pros and cons, it's time to sit back, put my feet up and focus on what really matters in life: being awesome. Now, those who know me best know that awesomeness is not a phase, it's not a condition, it' a state of mind. You will, and you are. Kinda like telepathy, or something, but way more awesome.
Why does it smell like kitty litter?
Has it occurred to anyone before that Oxford actually means "Ox Bridge"? I mean, if you study at Oxford, you're studying whatever at a bridge made for oxen. Good luck with that. Which reminds me, you should read into the creation of Stanford University, it's an interesting story. Reminds me of Shakira's rise to fame. Really. Her first label kicked her out because she "sounds like a goat".
"What's common between guys and cars? They both release gas, you can turn both on with just a switch, they're both hard and costly to maintain". Just made that up.
How come Sanaweya 3amma students can cry and yell and scream and mope and faint and attempt suicide because an exam was even marginally unexpected, while we can just slam our heads into a cactus if we're plain miserable? Ironically, those Sanaweya 3amma people moan and whine and weep so thaty they can get themselves into our position. Funny, eh?
I'm bored, so, until next time, but first, let's all chant the magical verses:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Ain't no one more fake gangsta,
Than Lil' Wayne and his crew!
"And got no money in my pocket but I'm already here". Oh, sorry, anyway, so, like I was saying, now that my Oral exams (no, I don't mean the perverted definition) are done, with their pros and cons, it's time to sit back, put my feet up and focus on what really matters in life: being awesome. Now, those who know me best know that awesomeness is not a phase, it's not a condition, it' a state of mind. You will, and you are. Kinda like telepathy, or something, but way more awesome.
Why does it smell like kitty litter?
Has it occurred to anyone before that Oxford actually means "Ox Bridge"? I mean, if you study at Oxford, you're studying whatever at a bridge made for oxen. Good luck with that. Which reminds me, you should read into the creation of Stanford University, it's an interesting story. Reminds me of Shakira's rise to fame. Really. Her first label kicked her out because she "sounds like a goat".
"What's common between guys and cars? They both release gas, you can turn both on with just a switch, they're both hard and costly to maintain". Just made that up.
How come Sanaweya 3amma students can cry and yell and scream and mope and faint and attempt suicide because an exam was even marginally unexpected, while we can just slam our heads into a cactus if we're plain miserable? Ironically, those Sanaweya 3amma people moan and whine and weep so thaty they can get themselves into our position. Funny, eh?
I'm bored, so, until next time, but first, let's all chant the magical verses:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Ain't no one more fake gangsta,
Than Lil' Wayne and his crew!
Monday, 14 June 2010
Money!
So, I'm back. Just finished my "Behavioural Sciences" exam, which is a pathetic attempt by the Psychiatry department to introduce ethics into the curriculum in an overall pathetic attempt to earn recognition for Cairo University Medical school among its fellows abroad. One problem, isn't the fact that it is STILL not recognised a major indication that everyone is stupid and everything is screwed up despite every feeble attempt they try? Never mind.
You know you're in trouble when your music player shuffler gives you a recording of Anatomy class and you keep on listening to it for 10 minutes before realising that this goes against human nature. It's anatomy, people, so yeah, switched to Eluveitie. Nil is a good song. T.I playing now, and I need to know if he talks to his mama with that horrible accent, and more importantly, whether his mama actually understands what he has to say or not.
Out of all the charming topics available for discussion that fall under the header of "Interesting Enough to be Actually Worth My Time" I chose the "Mineral Resources of Greenland and the Results of its Partial Separation from Denmark" to discuss. Apparently there's more to the topic than you'd actually think.
The cat is scratching himself behind the ear, and he's doing it in a way that makes it look so easy, so enjoyable, with the way he closes his eyes in enjoyment as the annoying feeling subsides. Lucky cat.
Well, that's all for today, just thought I'd drop y'all a line or two, keep in touch and all. And remember, the game's called "Simon Says" for a reason. Toodles.
You know you're in trouble when your music player shuffler gives you a recording of Anatomy class and you keep on listening to it for 10 minutes before realising that this goes against human nature. It's anatomy, people, so yeah, switched to Eluveitie. Nil is a good song. T.I playing now, and I need to know if he talks to his mama with that horrible accent, and more importantly, whether his mama actually understands what he has to say or not.
Out of all the charming topics available for discussion that fall under the header of "Interesting Enough to be Actually Worth My Time" I chose the "Mineral Resources of Greenland and the Results of its Partial Separation from Denmark" to discuss. Apparently there's more to the topic than you'd actually think.
The cat is scratching himself behind the ear, and he's doing it in a way that makes it look so easy, so enjoyable, with the way he closes his eyes in enjoyment as the annoying feeling subsides. Lucky cat.
Well, that's all for today, just thought I'd drop y'all a line or two, keep in touch and all. And remember, the game's called "Simon Says" for a reason. Toodles.
Thursday, 3 June 2010
Blog Header Creation
What up Cairo? I've been really mad at the poor innocent header I had on top of my blog. I mean, it's not its fault it's so boring and pathetic, it's mine, so I decided to remedy that like all good surgeons do: cut, slice, chop, then discard and replace. After three photoshoping attempts, three people working on ideas and plenty of hours which I'll regret not using for anatomy letter when my sorry ass realises the error of its ways, I've come up with this horrible masterpiece you see before you, or technically, you will if you scroll right up.
So, yeah, seeing as I'm not really in a blogging mood, I'll end this post here, just thought I should pass a couple of shouts out to those who, well, deserve tribute:
-Here's a shout out to my cat who has tolerated with patience all the mockery and ridicule I throw upon it. Thanks for being so patient and not returning the favour, outloud. You know I only do it because I love you? Yeah, didn't think it'd work either.
-Here's a shout out to everyone who's bothered to live, and put up, with the pain that is myself, and this extends to my sister, my bedside table, my cellphone, my faithful PC, the cat, the fridge and my (resigned sigh) parents.
-This one goes out to the excellent people at CBS who keep Barney Stinson's blog updated, and yes, smartass, there really is a blog.
-I'd like to reserve a shout to the three dudes who thankfully keep any negative views on my various endeavours, theories or means to maintain my line of thought and style of life, quiet and to themselves: Mahmuod Bondok, I told you you should have taken that AS chemistry exam, but hey, guess what, you didn't, I did, and I think you got the better end of the equation, and funny thing is, I'm not even begrudging, as long as, well, you know what's your favourite quote is out of all those listed in your facebook profile. To Abdelrahman El Magharbel whom I doubt would be reading this blog, thanks for teaching me the importance of very loud music and for your usual phrase "law 3ayez tet5ane2 f ay wa2t kallemny", because I know that if I do call, you'll let me down with a gentle and totally buyable excuse, which is much more than most people would provide. To Andrew Middleton, thank you for putting up with my moaning on a regular day basis, even though you cheap ass colonist need to raise your average word count per sentence, as well as your average sentence count per hour. 2 is not enough, homeboy. Oh and dude, go to the gym, it'll do you good with the cuties.
-This one goes out to all the ladies out there whom I've pissed out for some reason or another. Ladies, you know I only do it cause I love y'all, don't you? Still not buying it? Well, since my secret superpower is getting people really really mad, I'd like to give you a (shudder) kinda apology thingie, for, you know, everything. If we meet again, we'll pretend this conversation never took place.
-Last but not least, this one goes out to all ma coma people, and I'd like y'all to know, by the time you read this, you won't have missed anything important, and, well, it's all cool, like it's always been, and, well, if it had to happen, it had to happen. Respect.
Finally, I'd like to close this blog post with one line I've pondered on lately :"If women are Broads, does that mean we can call men Narrows?"
So, yeah, seeing as I'm not really in a blogging mood, I'll end this post here, just thought I should pass a couple of shouts out to those who, well, deserve tribute:
-Here's a shout out to my cat who has tolerated with patience all the mockery and ridicule I throw upon it. Thanks for being so patient and not returning the favour, outloud. You know I only do it because I love you? Yeah, didn't think it'd work either.
-Here's a shout out to everyone who's bothered to live, and put up, with the pain that is myself, and this extends to my sister, my bedside table, my cellphone, my faithful PC, the cat, the fridge and my (resigned sigh) parents.
-This one goes out to the excellent people at CBS who keep Barney Stinson's blog updated, and yes, smartass, there really is a blog.
-I'd like to reserve a shout to the three dudes who thankfully keep any negative views on my various endeavours, theories or means to maintain my line of thought and style of life, quiet and to themselves: Mahmuod Bondok, I told you you should have taken that AS chemistry exam, but hey, guess what, you didn't, I did, and I think you got the better end of the equation, and funny thing is, I'm not even begrudging, as long as, well, you know what's your favourite quote is out of all those listed in your facebook profile. To Abdelrahman El Magharbel whom I doubt would be reading this blog, thanks for teaching me the importance of very loud music and for your usual phrase "law 3ayez tet5ane2 f ay wa2t kallemny", because I know that if I do call, you'll let me down with a gentle and totally buyable excuse, which is much more than most people would provide. To Andrew Middleton, thank you for putting up with my moaning on a regular day basis, even though you cheap ass colonist need to raise your average word count per sentence, as well as your average sentence count per hour. 2 is not enough, homeboy. Oh and dude, go to the gym, it'll do you good with the cuties.
-This one goes out to all the ladies out there whom I've pissed out for some reason or another. Ladies, you know I only do it cause I love y'all, don't you? Still not buying it? Well, since my secret superpower is getting people really really mad, I'd like to give you a (shudder) kinda apology thingie, for, you know, everything. If we meet again, we'll pretend this conversation never took place.
-Last but not least, this one goes out to all ma coma people, and I'd like y'all to know, by the time you read this, you won't have missed anything important, and, well, it's all cool, like it's always been, and, well, if it had to happen, it had to happen. Respect.
Finally, I'd like to close this blog post with one line I've pondered on lately :"If women are Broads, does that mean we can call men Narrows?"
Sunday, 30 May 2010
Spinach and Cupcakes
Feeling like a little green Martian at El Gezira Club, feeling like a total nutcase at Kasr Al Ainy, feeling like a hobo right back at home, and feeling lost walking down my street ..
So, what can achievements we look back on, a thousand years from now, and and credit the United States of America for their creation? What do we acknowledge as being American nowadays, and what will we still call American so far along the future? Burgers? Certainly. "The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence"? Sure. Chuck Norris? Fo shizzle. Cocky business tycoons in cowboy hats and a Texan accent? Good riddance.
I've got a human quote reader sitting by my side, she won't stop reading quotes from a book she's just discovered. Hold on *snatches book from her hand*. It's called Happy creatures, and it's got all sorts of pink and green psychedelic creatures drawn all over the cover. No, wait, these are palms and angels. Whatever, whoever heard of a purple angel anyway?
Yeah, well, sorry, I'm not in a very talkative mood tonight, so I'll just cap this post off early, but, before I go, allow me to remind you of one of the principles people live by: "If it breathes fire and you're a sissy, you're probably gonna end up fried".
So, what can achievements we look back on, a thousand years from now, and and credit the United States of America for their creation? What do we acknowledge as being American nowadays, and what will we still call American so far along the future? Burgers? Certainly. "The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence"? Sure. Chuck Norris? Fo shizzle. Cocky business tycoons in cowboy hats and a Texan accent? Good riddance.
I've got a human quote reader sitting by my side, she won't stop reading quotes from a book she's just discovered. Hold on *snatches book from her hand*. It's called Happy creatures, and it's got all sorts of pink and green psychedelic creatures drawn all over the cover. No, wait, these are palms and angels. Whatever, whoever heard of a purple angel anyway?
Yeah, well, sorry, I'm not in a very talkative mood tonight, so I'll just cap this post off early, but, before I go, allow me to remind you of one of the principles people live by: "If it breathes fire and you're a sissy, you're probably gonna end up fried".
Friday, 28 May 2010
Buffalo Bill
Welcome back, try to ignore Lil Wayne wheezing about guns and the fact that he's so high you can't reach him with an antenna, whatever that means, but then again, he's Lil' Wayne, you're not even supposed to hear the inaudible groans and wheezes he's releasing. Pretend Neil Patrick Harris isn't lecturing you about what you should do to warn a bro of the presence of a fine damsel in the vicinity. Let's pretend B.o.B isn't pretending he was never B.o.B AKA Bobby Ray, with that Hayley something chick in the background with her urge to pretend airplanes are shooting stars. Honey, no one's stopping you from pretending anything, you don't have to sign it sweetly between verses, no matter how mellow and adorable is the singing. I love your voice sweetheart, but seriously, stop, you're making me go soft. Let's shift to the dude who thinks he's a rubber band and for some reason thinks he's wilder than the Taliban, yeah, the song's from way back, 2003, when Taliban was actually a hotter topic than Brangelina. And seriously, what's up with Drake being the "second hottest rapper in the game"? The dude's probably Canadian, and he hasn't released a proper LP yet. MTV, get a life.
On a note that is totally unrelated to my playlist, Today was a Good Day. Well, not totally irrelevant to my playlist, this one is one of my fav Ice Cube songs. Anyway, really now, it was a good day, apart from one tennis-related incident and the fact that I went high on sugar and the fact that I was craving caramel ice cream and pretzels, I had fun. On a completely unrelated note, what's a bit of parsley doing on my keyboard?
How many of y'all would listen to any mixtape I'd bother to release?
I had two ideas for this paragraph, but after typing both I decided to remove them because they were insanely boring. One was about the time and the one time I almost missed my physiology practical exam, and the other was about beetroot. I can not think think of anyone who thinks beet is of any significance... no, still can't find anyone. That's kinda why I didn't actually write about beetroot. A good question would be, if beetroot exists, wouldn't it follow logically that beetstem and beetleaf exist as well?
I just discovered that my msn has no start menu or desktop shortcut. I can't even find the source directory for some reason, so if it hadn't been for the fact that it starts on computer startup, I wouldn't have been able to use it. Kinda messed up, ain't it? No, it ain't, talking about the hyoid while playing squash is messed up,and yes, guilty as charged. And I don't want any smart guys telling me to create a desktop shortcut or something. Seriously, people.
AVG sucks. Table Tennis kicks ass. Tulips are better than gin, most of the time. White men can't jump. 7/11 saved humanity. Humans are the third most intelligent creatures on the planet, after dolphins and mice, according to the revered Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. The answer to life, the universe and everything is 42. Even Google admits it. Seriously, search for "the answer to life, the universe and everything", and you'll see, and Google has all the answers you know, no matter what the Vatican claims.
According to E-40 "Good guys finish last and stay broke". And apparently, he "ain't just a rapper", he's an "event". Wise words, wise words, because, you know, you ain't gangsta if you aim a gun the right way up.
All in all, remember this rule: E=MC squared, so E= the power of two MCs, but unfortunately that rule died with 2Pac and when Ice Cube went for family movies. Oh, and when Lil Wayne actually got audience. No, seriously, my rule of the day is: "Dear Santa, you'se a bitch ass ni**a", and note the quotation marks.
On a note that is totally unrelated to my playlist, Today was a Good Day. Well, not totally irrelevant to my playlist, this one is one of my fav Ice Cube songs. Anyway, really now, it was a good day, apart from one tennis-related incident and the fact that I went high on sugar and the fact that I was craving caramel ice cream and pretzels, I had fun. On a completely unrelated note, what's a bit of parsley doing on my keyboard?
How many of y'all would listen to any mixtape I'd bother to release?
I had two ideas for this paragraph, but after typing both I decided to remove them because they were insanely boring. One was about the time and the one time I almost missed my physiology practical exam, and the other was about beetroot. I can not think think of anyone who thinks beet is of any significance... no, still can't find anyone. That's kinda why I didn't actually write about beetroot. A good question would be, if beetroot exists, wouldn't it follow logically that beetstem and beetleaf exist as well?
I just discovered that my msn has no start menu or desktop shortcut. I can't even find the source directory for some reason, so if it hadn't been for the fact that it starts on computer startup, I wouldn't have been able to use it. Kinda messed up, ain't it? No, it ain't, talking about the hyoid while playing squash is messed up,and yes, guilty as charged. And I don't want any smart guys telling me to create a desktop shortcut or something. Seriously, people.
AVG sucks. Table Tennis kicks ass. Tulips are better than gin, most of the time. White men can't jump. 7/11 saved humanity. Humans are the third most intelligent creatures on the planet, after dolphins and mice, according to the revered Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. The answer to life, the universe and everything is 42. Even Google admits it. Seriously, search for "the answer to life, the universe and everything", and you'll see, and Google has all the answers you know, no matter what the Vatican claims.
According to E-40 "Good guys finish last and stay broke". And apparently, he "ain't just a rapper", he's an "event". Wise words, wise words, because, you know, you ain't gangsta if you aim a gun the right way up.
All in all, remember this rule: E=MC squared, so E= the power of two MCs, but unfortunately that rule died with 2Pac and when Ice Cube went for family movies. Oh, and when Lil Wayne actually got audience. No, seriously, my rule of the day is: "Dear Santa, you'se a bitch ass ni**a", and note the quotation marks.
Thursday, 27 May 2010
Of Trees and Lil' Jon
So, hi, loads have been going on lately, between me researching the British equivalent of the phrase "That's what she said", examining the behaviour of ants near Sondos and the general area around the Faculty of Dentistry and the fact that my place has more grapefruit than steak, and I don't like grapefruit, I've found myself struggling with a complete computer failure that almost tempted me into removing Windows and installing Linux, a sister who wanted to sue Cadbury for not stating where exactly did they manufacture a particular Crunchie bar, the new levels of lateral squinting the cat's developed lately, and the fact that I've needed to set 7 different alarms to get me out of bed this morning.
So, ladies and, preferably, more ladies, we come down to the question of the day: Why is Ash Ketchum, the protagonist of the Pokemon anime, still around a very young age even though, after so many years, he should be like, 19, or 21, or something? Seriously, after about 10 films, 5 generations and god knows how many seasons, he still sounds more prepubescent than Justin Bieber? Come off it!
Another good question: Why do they call it Twitter? Does it turn people into twits? Seriously, and if it turns people into twits, what does the funky bird have to do anything? If the bird is relevant, it should be called Tweeter, don't you think? And what's with Google becoming a verb? Did you know that, if Google becomes a verb, it would be perfectly legal for, say, Microsoft to use it for their advertising? They can go like "Use Bing for all your fast googling!". Seriously, I read about it in a The Sun article last summer. Just popped right back into my head.
But enough about computing, I sure don't want it to become theme of today's blog. Let's try to ignore that I can see a banner supporting a dude called Amr El Yamany right outside my window. I happen to like palm trees, they're tall, they're sexy, and they're awesome.
NB: In response to a question plenty of fans keep on asking: No, I'm don't do drunk blogging.
So, Sayonara people, and always remember my motto for the day: If it's still wriggling, it probably isn't dead enough to cook yet.
Sunday, 23 May 2010
Random, or Something Like It
So, hi. Me again. WAZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP? (as Habiba would say). How's everything going? How's the wife and kids? Grandma still thinks cars are sold for 300 bucks and that the Germans should get out of occupied France? Glad to know everything's normal back there. What? Oh yes, I'm quite fine, thank you for asking. Could use a coke though, but all in all I'm cool. Yes, I like fried chicken. Okay, cool. Yea.
But enough about me, and the fact that the cat just decided to use a bathroom sink as an elaborate chaiselongue. Let's talk about something interesting, something fun, something that's been on everyone's mind, one of those thing everyone experiences but no one mentions. Wars have been waged, famines have broken out, world leaders have been murdered, but this all disappears in the mind of the Average Joe when confronted with the ultimate question: Why the hell do I keep eating Chocolate Crisp bars if the goddamn crisp keeps on getting stuck between my teeth? Seriously, everyone should know better than that. I haven't eaten one of those in ages, because I've learned my lesson, but this goes out as a tribute to all my martyr friends who suffered.
Another highly relevant fact is that, right across the room, staring right back of me, is a tuft of soft wrapping fabric thingie they use to wrap gifts and stuff. And it's pink. And it's cute. And it's burning my eyes out of their sockets. Seriously, cootie alert, it's got glitter all over it too, and the real question is, what's it doing in the same room with the manliest creature within a 50 metre range (and no, I don't meant he cat, smart guy)? I can swear it's looking back at me, and it looks evil. Reminds me of the fact that the cat now weighs 4kg of pure belly fat and refined, deluxe stupidity. More stupidity than fat, and that's saying something. Just last night he almost fell out the window. 2 minutes later, he almost did it again, same way, same day, same window. Poor stupid dude. Yeah, excuse the randomness, I'm like that when I'm in this mood, which perhaps makes it befitting to be called a random mood, but it's not, actually. It's not a random mood at all.
Picture this, if you get a calculator or something, and start the random number feature, and you kept pressing the button like some trigger-happy moron or something, what do you get? A series of random numbers because you kept pressing the button like a moron, but the real question is, is there a connection between the numbers? I can hear you go all "who's the moron now? They're random, there's can't be a connection, duuuuuuuuuh" which would sound horribly cliché if you're a blonde girl and just plain horrible if you're not. Well, matter is, there is a connection. They are all RANDOM NUMBERS, so, philosophically speaking, does that make the random number feature perfect, or does it make it a useless paradox? you be the judge.
Back to the point. so, if this is not a random mood, I can hear you almost afraid to ask what other mood can generate such randomness. No, it's not Cuckoo mood, even though that's always a good option. We're talking more along the lines of "Elaborately Sporadic" mood, which even after using the dictionary, sounds more and more like Cuckoo mood (refer to the sound a cuckoo clock makes) by the second (and calculating these seconds would be another great use for that same cuckoo clock). The universe is sporadically arranged, sporadic, yet connected, and when you handle any one object and just examine the strings tying it to other things in the web of life, and discuss any one of those elaborately in a blog no one will bother to read, then congratulations, you have reached the Nirvana of the Elaborately Sporadic Mood.
I'd love to discuss all this further, maybe give some examples and all that too, but my fingers aren't too fond of the idea, and their protests are rather convincing. Oh, and there's also some pudding in the fridge I need to grab before my sister realises it's there. so, until next time friends, remember the 6 D's: Drive safely, Drink responsibly and Don't Do your laundry if you're a DuDe.
Thursday, 6 May 2010
Pilot
Pilot
My First Ever Proper Blog Entry
Like, Ever
I like this font I used for the title, makes it look like a movie script or something that impressive. Anyway, hi, this is, in case you've missed what I was trying to say, my first proper blog and my first proper blog entry in, like, ever. The idea's been cooking in my head for a while, whether to have a blog or not, what am I gonna write, and who's gonna bother and read what junk I have to say anyway are a couple of questions I asked myself in the beginning. Oh, and I was too lazy to actually bother and create an account anyway. Recently, though, a close friend of mine was trying to prove a point, and she showed me her blog. One very long and eye-hurting reading experience later, I decided that, hey, who said any one's got to read what I have to say anyway. It's there, if anyone wants to read it,t hat's cool, if they don't, then, well, its not like I'm losing money or anything.
SooOoOoOoO , what do people write in their first blog entry, ever? Do they give a brief introduction of themselves, something along the lines of "Hi, I'm Jimmy. I run a B&B"? Or, maybe they just skip to the point, assuming that, if you've bothered to reach their blog, it probably means you know them to some extent. Maybe I'll mix the two techniques: "Hi everyone, y'all know me, and no, I don't run a B&B".
Second excruciatingly important point to discuss will have to be the sort of content I include in this blog. The blog title is not exactly something you can think highly of before you eat, but really, if you think about it, that's what I would want a blog for; to release the thoughts and ideas clogging my mental piping. So, that agreed, I think we should also agree that there will be no specific theme for this blog. Not sure what a particular entry is about? Read the damn thing.
So, okay, I'm not all great with official-sounding posts like this one or anything. I don't know how frequently will I updating this thing, but preferably frequently enough. Oh, and, hmm, all comments are welcome, all the time, as a blanket rule.
So that's all folks *plays the Looney Tunes theme music*
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