So, ladies, and, more ladies, since I'm pretty sure that no guys read this blog, because, honestly, my one regular reader is a female, I think, but anyway, I'll probably keep on typing for as long as she nags or until I get a decent number of regular readers. Probably the former because I'm not 2Pac, this being a reference to me not being able to keep on posting highly popular material from beyond the grave.
I've been awake for more than is strictly necessary now, and it's given me a nice little spring in my mental toes. It's like LSD, or the recreational drug of your choice, really. It feels good and it's bad for your health. Just like burgers. Or tacos. I love tacos. I love guacamole. I love pie. I love food, and just today, a friend of mine chortled all over my food because we were discussing what fast food cooks can do to you if you insult them. Hint: it involves unwashed hands and restrooms. I was eating coleslaw. I also tried imagining how can I fake being unable to hold a table tennis racquet properly. Problem is, when one does fall near my hands, i hold it like a pro, and, despite not having a reason to pretend I couldn't, I just felt like I needed to learn how to fake it. What would you have done if someone poisoned your salad? Or offered you a golden toilet seat? It would look pretty in your bathroom, wouldn't it?
I can see a brown chair, small, Stuart-Little-small, floating around in pixie dust, and on that chair is a cup of tea, the cup of tea smells like Earl Grey but I know for a fact that it contains mint tea, two sugars. I like tio have 6 sugars on my tea. One of the chair legs broke, so a huge ambulance comes over to repair the tiny flying chair, but the ambulance people can't see the tiny chair, so they light a wand made from the fat of hanged murderers, and it lights with a green flame that sends toxic fumes into the room. The fumes are acid pink though. Acids don't usually have colours, so why do they have a whole range of acid colours? Here comes a walking carwash, it wipes the windshield of my eyes clean of the pink fumes, then sprays a lather of tiny kitties into my lap, and tries to make those kitties into a muffin that looked like a chocolate muffin, smelled like a chocolate muffin but tasted like meringue. I don't think they award Nobel prizes over deceptive muffins but everything is possible these days, especially since Napoleon and Bonaparte joined the Cheshire cat and Butch, the dog from Tom&Jerry in a horseback pursuit of happiness and justice embodied in the form of a banana, which you can eat. If you eat the banana of happiness and justice, you will experience sweetness in your mouth, followed by spouting flying flamingos instead of poop. Nice, pink flamingos, which can speak Danish and Indigenous Australian and have traveled back in time to lay oil fields for Texan oil farmers to harvest millions of years later. One problem, they had to lay down forests so that they would change into oil through years of sedimentation, so they harvested some geologists' heads, planted them in soil imbued with sugar, spice and everything nice to reveal a network of Kabbalah books and carrying which are every rabbi's second cousin twice removed. So, why do people ramble on about them pink elephants if I can't see any?
Male mosquitoes have a moustache-like structure thingie protruding from their head. It's true. I've seen it. Why would any male in the world want to sleep with a female mosquito? Poor male mosquitos. All they want is a good beer, a couple of burgers and good time watching the game with his buddies, but noooooo, the female WANTS to get laid because of the mating season and she needs to lay the eggs and bla bla bla. They say you can't have too much of a good thing, but now I say, you CAN have too many X chromosomes. One is more than enough. so that is, one in each one of your three trillion body cells. Not counting your red blood cells. Those don't have nuclei. Or half your sperm if you're a dude. This sort of messes up the calculation. Feel free to do the maths if you're some sort of boffin, but I'm gonna go make some salad.
So until next time friends,
"Augustus Gloop, Augustus Gloop, that great big ugly nincompoop" - The Umpa Lumpas, from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl
I've been awake for more than is strictly necessary now, and it's given me a nice little spring in my mental toes. It's like LSD, or the recreational drug of your choice, really. It feels good and it's bad for your health. Just like burgers. Or tacos. I love tacos. I love guacamole. I love pie. I love food, and just today, a friend of mine chortled all over my food because we were discussing what fast food cooks can do to you if you insult them. Hint: it involves unwashed hands and restrooms. I was eating coleslaw. I also tried imagining how can I fake being unable to hold a table tennis racquet properly. Problem is, when one does fall near my hands, i hold it like a pro, and, despite not having a reason to pretend I couldn't, I just felt like I needed to learn how to fake it. What would you have done if someone poisoned your salad? Or offered you a golden toilet seat? It would look pretty in your bathroom, wouldn't it?
I can see a brown chair, small, Stuart-Little-small, floating around in pixie dust, and on that chair is a cup of tea, the cup of tea smells like Earl Grey but I know for a fact that it contains mint tea, two sugars. I like tio have 6 sugars on my tea. One of the chair legs broke, so a huge ambulance comes over to repair the tiny flying chair, but the ambulance people can't see the tiny chair, so they light a wand made from the fat of hanged murderers, and it lights with a green flame that sends toxic fumes into the room. The fumes are acid pink though. Acids don't usually have colours, so why do they have a whole range of acid colours? Here comes a walking carwash, it wipes the windshield of my eyes clean of the pink fumes, then sprays a lather of tiny kitties into my lap, and tries to make those kitties into a muffin that looked like a chocolate muffin, smelled like a chocolate muffin but tasted like meringue. I don't think they award Nobel prizes over deceptive muffins but everything is possible these days, especially since Napoleon and Bonaparte joined the Cheshire cat and Butch, the dog from Tom&Jerry in a horseback pursuit of happiness and justice embodied in the form of a banana, which you can eat. If you eat the banana of happiness and justice, you will experience sweetness in your mouth, followed by spouting flying flamingos instead of poop. Nice, pink flamingos, which can speak Danish and Indigenous Australian and have traveled back in time to lay oil fields for Texan oil farmers to harvest millions of years later. One problem, they had to lay down forests so that they would change into oil through years of sedimentation, so they harvested some geologists' heads, planted them in soil imbued with sugar, spice and everything nice to reveal a network of Kabbalah books and carrying which are every rabbi's second cousin twice removed. So, why do people ramble on about them pink elephants if I can't see any?
Male mosquitoes have a moustache-like structure thingie protruding from their head. It's true. I've seen it. Why would any male in the world want to sleep with a female mosquito? Poor male mosquitos. All they want is a good beer, a couple of burgers and good time watching the game with his buddies, but noooooo, the female WANTS to get laid because of the mating season and she needs to lay the eggs and bla bla bla. They say you can't have too much of a good thing, but now I say, you CAN have too many X chromosomes. One is more than enough. so that is, one in each one of your three trillion body cells. Not counting your red blood cells. Those don't have nuclei. Or half your sperm if you're a dude. This sort of messes up the calculation. Feel free to do the maths if you're some sort of boffin, but I'm gonna go make some salad.
So until next time friends,
"Augustus Gloop, Augustus Gloop, that great big ugly nincompoop" - The Umpa Lumpas, from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl
Riiight.
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