Banana Fleece

         Yep. Almost three months since my last post now. Time does fly, doesn't it? Seems like that to me. I've personally managed to do plenty of useful things in this time; including, but not limited to: fortifying my procrastination skill to Master Level (now I can procrastinate tasks I haven't been assigned yet!) and growing a water belly, which is the same as a beer belly, but it's caused by drinking water.

          So I've decided to slander some things and some people in this post. I realise that I don't exactly edit or proofread these posts after writing them (so liberating!) so please don't be mad when I tell you my honest, unjustified and totally unfair opinion of you, and remember, you must've earned it by doing something that is completely irrelevant but it pissed me off - or it got between me and food.

          To my second email address: I've been checking you thrice daily for a week now, waiting for an email that seems more and more unlikely to arrive. You make me sad, because every time I sign in and search for the email I wish I'd received within my inbox stashed with Puma ads and National Geographic promotions, I realise how you're not my favourite email address anymore and you can't give me the email I wanted. I'm sad. I feel like the father who never sired a son in an old Egyptian movie. But I still think kids are icky smelly creatures that drink icky human milk, burp, poop, pee and make women's bodies look bad.

         To you, and if you don't know who "you" is referring to, then it most probably is not you. Please stop acting like a conceited narcissistic airhead in public, and stop expecting treatment you don't offer. You make me look bad. Welly 3ala raso bat7a ba2a ..

        To the nerd who used to take the same A-Level biology and chemistry classes with me, and then started med school with me, only to flunk, repeat a year, and then go totally off charts: where the hell are you now? Ya3ny I know everyone is either being a pain in the ass now, or is being a pain in the ass of some lower year because they flunked our year, or is in Australia. But you, where the hell are you?

          And to the wildly ferocious girl who used to punch boys and break desk when we attended elementary school together. I actually miss you, and I wish I could see how those last 10 years have affected you. But I don't know if you have a Facebook or a twitter. If you read this, I hope you know that I've sacrificed many hours of precious last minute exam revision time stalking everyone on Facebook looking for your profile in vain. So yeah, I'm blaming you.

          To the bisexual lesbian who had a thing for me a while back. Nope, wasn't gonna work. Sorry.

           To the cold currently-Salafi girl who used to have a thing for me 4 years ago but now avidly supports the Salafi guy who was caught making out with a girl that was engaged to another guy, effectively cheating on his other four wives. I did not know it was gonna be like this 4 years ago, or 2 years ago when I last met you, but your Facebook posts today make me glad I said no.

          To the amazing medical interns tweeting in their graveyard shifts to kill the time: thank you for making procrastination in the small hours of the morning more fun.

          I see your Skype icon, and it pains me to know that I might never see it go green again. Oh, and it hurts me even more that I probably will not be able to give you that book back. But I'm keeping it in good condition, just in case.

          To the pitifully ignorant Dutch girl who thought she could out-talk me: Ya5tchy beida. I didn't know Europeans could talk beyond yes, no and football (if they're Dutch, English or German).

          I'm sick of climbing four floors with 2000 other sweaty smelly nervous people in a staircase that is two-people wide. I'm sick of it, it doesn't help before an exam, and it basically sucks. And if you don't know which staircase I'm referring to, then you probably suck too. If you can't relate, then your probability of sucking rises considerably.

          Begging for attention by blocking the distance between me and the video game on my computer game is a very bad strategy that will only get you the wrong kind of attention.

          The rule above applies to cats and women on an equal basis.

          Oh, and tweeters/Facebookers in Egypt are the most utopic and least realistic bunches of amateur thinktank experts ever. It's kind of cute, actually.

          Anyone who calls himself Moe or Moey is gay. Or at least needs to man up. Man up ya5ouya we7med rabbena en esmak mesh 3abd abouh, and yes, this exists.

          Kefaya keda? Yep.

"I want to make an apple pieeeeeeee,
so freaking bad,
I want to have what that guy in the movie haaaaaaaaaad" - rhyming with that ceepy song about being a millionaire, and referring to the first part of American Pie

Circus Balloons

          Am I the only blogpost user who thinks the "Monetise" button at the top of the screen is just too damn weird? I feel the urge to rap it out though "Monetise, get them crowds hypnotised, weed's legalised, my sextape's scandalised, my dick is paralysed, shove two fingers in your eyes, something something that actually flies" w keda w beta3. How have I not launched my professional rap career is beyond me, but rumour has it, I'm so dope I'd cook all those rappers more than my burned tires at the traffic light at the junction between share3 el manial w share3 el rouda. That's how we do it, brah.

         I'd like us all to share a moment of silence, to mourn the death of the toupee-master Ibrahim El-Fekky. I'm actually kidding, I think he's a waste of talent, they could've used him to empower the people or some other shit, instead, he's telling people to think and sense and that kinda shit to improve their lives instead of jumping off their obese arses and actually doing shit. And don't get me started on The Secret. Seriously? Secretly that Newton, Shakespeare,  Einstein, your momma, and countless others all knew and helped them excel? It's very convenient, claiming that people who are long since dead and can not possibly deny your claims, have used the secret you, of all people, have distilled into an obscenely expensive booklet with that wax seal impression on the cover to convey a feeling of faux-authenticity. It works on the profitable audience for this type of book; namely obese women and teenagers, but I'd hate it to break it to you, you are so insignificant in the universe the only way you can attract something good in your life is to better invest the money you spent on this book in something profitable. Start a business. Organise your own private army. Try to distil liquor out of oysters and sell it to the filthy rich. The possibilities are endless.

          You know what's sad about the new generation? They've softened the definition of an arrogant asshole into "not nice". You walk down the street when you see a 4 year old kid who smashed his new Blackberry on his sister's head. And when you offer to help, or ask where his mum is or whatever act of good nature you could think of, odds are, the kid will give you a very filthy look and either start blowing his rape whistle or just tell you to suck his pre-pubertal dick or something. Then the mum turns up, you tell her what happened, and if she doesn't call the cops on you, she'll demand her son apologises for not being nice. This misconception extends with a kid throughout his early years until he graduates, or at least, goes through humbling shit of monumental proportions, then the work place and life will teach your kid the manners that you could not. Free of charge too. And then you keep whining that life doesn't drive you any good bargains ya we7esh ya 2asy.

          I think I've got concrete evidence that my cat is part chicken, part rabbit, part PC gamer and gifted*. He is also as black as a motherfucker in the face and he likes bananas and pita bread. Any genealogy experts willing to analyse his genome, for free, are most welcome to step up. He's also available for birthday parties and those wishing to distract their wives/girlfriends. Bitches love the kitty.

*Gifted = retarded


"Nigga don't act like a bitch, that's why I don't got love for a bitch" - E40 ft Too Short and missing a grammar textbook.