Of Windowpanes and Penguins

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          That was my kitten's first typing experience. He's a very talented cat; born on the 25th of last January and he's already learning to type and chase after his Cat Chow before he eats it. He talks too much, and by too much I don't mean the cute "aww-his-meows-are-so-adroable" kind of too much, I mean the "STFU YOU FLEA INFESTED B****, WE'RE TRYING TO GET SOME F****** SLEEP!!!!11!!" kind of too much. He also likes teddy bears, ribbons and my hair, all of which provide him with plenty of fun adventures and this sort of kitty stuff. He does not attempt to go for my sister's hair because she bites her own, thank you very much, so I guess everyone's happy.


          So the most HHHHHonorable delegate of the People's Republic of China thinks she's nature's sexiest creature or something along these lines. I'm not really sure because I wasn't really listening to a word she was saying. I was too busy picking my nose/knitting a scarf/watching the Weather Channel, all of which suited my taste better.


           So my new passion is checking out Foreca.com and checking the Precipitation chances for the next 10 days. And while this should help me predict when will we be having rainy days in the near future, it's not a very practical hobby - not because it's about 30 degrees Celsius out there at the moment with no forseeable rain, but because, the last time it rained, I didn't have any preparations ready because I was too lazy to check the forecast (I was procrastinating).


          My arms hurt. I think they haven't decided whether I've been a bad enough boy to deserve to have Carpal Tunnel or Tennis Elbow, so it reached a compromise by hurting me in both possible ways. Funny thing is, I have no idea why it's being such a bitch, my arm, because not only do I NOT play tennis but I have also cut down on any activities which might've given me Carpal Tunnel, if you know what I mean.

          I've decided that world deserved this new post when my only reader/agent/favourite midget told me what I heard as "your blog isn't worth two buffalo heads rubbed together" when she was actually telling me a story about her very miserable and violent childhood. Either way, I'm here now and I'm ready to receive ideas for discussion for discussion. Any suggestions? 

-Q 1: Ismail, Ismail, tell us what do you think of Moammar Al-Quaddafi.

- This guy is dope and has got bigger balls than any Elephentiasis patient. It's one thing to be crazy, but to be crazy and loving it, that's art!

-Q 2: Ismail, tell us what you think of the Spanish.

-They have hairy girls. That's that.

-Q 3: Ismail, tell us about the best feeling you've had recently.

-Relief. Talent Show auditions have a way with that, apparently, but not as you might think.

-Q 4: Is there anything you'd like to say to the most honorable delegate of the People's Republic of China? 

-I still think the raisin was there for a reason, and I still think you should be called Sum Buk Lao, and I definitely think I'm a great flirt and if you don't think so then maybe you should start questioning your optometrist, your orientation, or your heat-sensing nerve endings because I be sizzlin' more than a fajita with more chili than meat, served with two smoking latinas and a bottle of Patrón .

Q 5: What is the answer to the brainteaser that you did NOT announce at the beginning of this post?

-I chose a new font, because I'm gangsta like that.

Now I have to decide whether I should kick it in the front seat or just stay in the back seat. Fun.

"I would like to make an ohdah' fo' dah Pick-ahp" - Ownage Pranks

The Cassanova with his AK-47

          So, ladies, and, more ladies, since I'm pretty sure that no guys read this blog, because, honestly, my one regular reader is a female, I think, but anyway, I'll probably keep on typing for as long as she nags or until I get a decent number of regular readers. Probably the former because I'm not 2Pac, this being a reference to me not being able to keep on posting highly popular material from beyond the grave.

          I've been awake for more than is strictly necessary now, and it's given me a nice little spring in my mental toes. It's like LSD, or the recreational drug of your choice, really. It feels good and it's bad for your health. Just like burgers. Or tacos. I love tacos. I love guacamole. I love pie. I love food, and just today, a friend of mine chortled all over my food because we were discussing what fast food cooks can do to you if you insult them. Hint: it involves unwashed hands and restrooms. I was eating coleslaw. I also tried imagining how can I fake being unable to hold a table tennis racquet properly. Problem is, when one does fall near my hands, i hold it like a pro, and, despite not having a reason to pretend I couldn't, I just felt like I needed to learn how to fake it. What would you have done if someone poisoned your salad? Or offered you a golden toilet seat? It would look pretty in your bathroom, wouldn't it?

          I can see a brown chair, small, Stuart-Little-small, floating around in pixie dust, and on that chair is a cup of tea, the cup of tea smells like Earl Grey but I know for a fact that it contains mint tea, two sugars. I like tio have 6 sugars on my tea. One of the chair legs broke, so a huge ambulance comes over to repair the tiny flying chair, but the ambulance people can't see the tiny chair, so they light a wand made from the fat of hanged murderers, and it lights with a green flame that sends toxic fumes into the room. The fumes are acid pink though. Acids don't usually have colours, so why do they have a whole range of acid colours? Here comes a walking carwash, it wipes the windshield of my eyes clean of the pink fumes, then sprays a lather of tiny kitties into my lap, and tries to make those kitties into a muffin that looked like a chocolate muffin, smelled like a chocolate muffin but tasted like meringue. I don't think they award Nobel prizes over deceptive muffins but everything is possible these days, especially since Napoleon and Bonaparte joined the Cheshire cat and Butch, the dog from Tom&Jerry in a horseback pursuit of happiness and justice embodied in the form of a banana, which you can eat. If you eat the banana of happiness and justice, you will experience sweetness in your mouth, followed by spouting flying flamingos instead of poop. Nice, pink flamingos, which can speak Danish and Indigenous Australian and have traveled back in time to lay oil fields for Texan oil farmers to harvest millions of years later. One problem, they had to lay down forests so that they would change into oil through years of sedimentation, so they harvested some geologists' heads, planted them in soil imbued with sugar, spice and everything nice to reveal a network of Kabbalah books and carrying which are every rabbi's second cousin twice removed. So, why do people ramble on about them pink elephants if I can't see any?

          Male mosquitoes have a moustache-like structure thingie protruding from their head. It's true. I've seen it. Why would any male in the world want to sleep with a female mosquito? Poor male mosquitos. All they want is a good beer, a couple of burgers and good time watching the game with his buddies, but noooooo, the female WANTS to get laid because of the mating season and she needs to lay the eggs  and bla bla bla. They say you can't have too much of a good thing, but now I say, you CAN have too many X chromosomes. One is more than enough. so that is, one in each one of your three trillion body cells. Not counting your red blood cells. Those don't have nuclei. Or half your sperm if you're a dude. This sort of messes up the calculation. Feel free to do the maths if you're some sort of boffin, but I'm gonna go make some salad.

So until next time friends,

"Augustus Gloop, Augustus Gloop, that great big ugly nincompoop" - The Umpa Lumpas, from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl

Cannibalistic Bravado

        Interesting statistic, when I'm typing a new blog post, I'm listening to rap about 98.2% of the time, 33.33% of which are T.I-dedicated. I don't know what is it about T.I. that makes him so creativity-tickling, but why do I care anway?

       After watching, and learning, from the high speed, machine-gun-firing car chase last night, I can proudly say I am now street enough to go sell crack on the streets of the Bronx. Plus, i'll be doing those dealers a favour by introducing Winning Eleven as a new pastime instead of breakdancing and stuff.

        That hospital they've been renovating ever since I moved in certainly does not look any different now than it did 6 years ago. No, wait, they did some digging in front of the main building and now they're doing something to the sewer right in front of the main gate. Viva la revolution.

         You forget your leg is agonisingly sore when you know you have 5 metres to sprint so you can get to watch that lesbian lovemaking scene. Or when there's a party involved, or when there's a party followed by having to sprint 5 metres to ge to watch a lesbian scene.

         You know there's a problem when your iTunes is so laggy it's producing a much nicer chop than you've ever been able to produce with actual turntables.

         Now I'm wondering whether I should end this post short or not.

         Now I've decided to keep on writing for a little longer.

         Now I've just read the last two lines and I think they're funny.

         The previous line proves that I'm losing my IQ faster than I'm losing my cats to graves.

         Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ass. Ass being donkey, but come to think about it, coveting thy neighbour's other ass is also wrong, unless you're living next to a Victoria's Secret Supermodel, or Tina Fey, then I call dibs.

        I just read the word Blogger as Booger and I think this looks just perfect next to the words Mental and Constipation in the title bar.

        Ok. I'm bored, so that's enough for today.

"I hate having to write something down here,
But I hate having the fear,
Of having the words, but no one to hear"
      

Cricket

          So, internet's back in Egypt, and with that, I have only one thing to al the people who thought I was being too pessimistic: I told you so, bitcheees! Suck THAT! HAHAHAHA

          I'm writing this blogpost as me trying to be compliant with a very close friend's special request, and no, it's still not you.

    
          I still think Dan Brown's plots are very predictable. But they're well-researched. So they're cool. I like.

 
          Let's keep this post short. I don't feel like writing.



"Why did the giant want to grind Jack's bones to make his bread? Because he's English? Racist much? and besides, everyone knows the British and fine cooking are sworn enemies. That giant should've picked a better spot for that beanstalk."
        

Platoon?

          So alot of people out there have a problem with my homeboy Charles Darwin and my numerous referrals to his Natural Selection theory. Stop jelling, the dude is famous, you're not. If you want groupies, learn to play the guitar, play a couple of jingles while you're half-shaven, and once u start attending all the right parties, everything will fix itself up. But don't go around messing with any of my dawgs, or I might just "naturally" select your progeny off the future of mankind. Terminator-style. I'll be back. Hail to the Governator.

          So, moving from biology to social psychology. I have a personal theory, but I like to keep that to myself. My less personal theory consists of three frames:

• Frame 1: People tend to be stupid especially when they're under the effect of some form of some intense emotion. Suicidal behaviour is not uncommon.
• Frame 2: The age range between 16-22 years old has the unique characteristic of having the most gullible and naive mentalities ever. If you want someone who's easy to convince and who has the physical capability to wreak havoc, that's a nice age range to start targeting. They rarely change their perspective with age, which would be to your advantage, seeing as it is actually YOUR perspective.
• Frame 3: When the general literate population is below half, and when the highly educated sector of a society reads what's worth 2 books per annum, and when these 2 books are religious books, meaning that they tackle issues well beyond the scope of our lifetime, then you know you have a problem, especially if such a population decides they're all great political analysts when they haven't owned two history or politics books to rub together.

So what's the product of this theory? The flock of sheep concept is much closer and much more significant than you would like to think.

         What kind of mobile phone accessory shop doesn't sell chargers? Seriously? That's disturbing.

         T.I pops bottles but he doesn't pour. That's important.

         Why is the default colour for msn messenger blue? It doesn't even look good as a background for the Microsoft logo. So it's either a frame, consumed fruit or polar birds? That's messed up.

         Anyone own a Kindle? Are they any good?

         You know you're in trouble when your population rise rates are lower than those of Mexico but your produce includes Justin Bieber. If you're not fond of your citizens' ability to reproduce, you could have at least come up with someone to save you some face, Canada.

         How I Met Your Mother? You would't want to know, kid, but let's just say you can call me Daddy.

         Vampire Diaries? What kind of pussy vampire keeps a diary? And if it's not a vampire's diary, then why is it called Vampire Diaries? You're not making sense.

          House? Yeah, it's a very common name. People usually own one. I love this guy. AND I actually know what the patient suffers from. I'm superior to you other viewer people!

         Grey's anatomy? Let;s just say if we find the similarities between Grey's Anatomy and the actual Gray's Anatomy, we'll only end up with the female and male genitalia.

         Scrubs? Well, I have news for you, pops, doctors don't walk around in their scrubs, and this show is as medically oriented as my lunch.

         Nip/Tuck? Dope, with lots of hot women involved. Too plastic though, and I don't think this is a coincidence. Good director. Disturbed characters.

         Lost? F*** you.

        CSI? I'm not buying it you bunch of police officer/forensic analyst wannabes.

        Big Bang Theory? If I want to see lifeless nerds, I'd just go to college.

       You, dear sir/madam, hold no interest for me whatsoever. So yeah.

"Platter, Clatter, Shatter, Stammer,

Sapper, Tapper, Capper and everything ending in -er"

        

Russian Mafia Dude

         This blogpost is a special request by someone I consider to be a very special person, but now, it most probably is not you, so don't get your hopes up. Don't worry though, there's plenty of Ismail to go around, ladies ;)

         So, with the emotions running high and the IQ running scarce these days, it's hard for people to keep their cool and remain objective about things. Thank you, Charles Darwin, for introducing us to Natural Selection, because it provides a very simple explanation for this phenomenon: in a few millenia, all idiots will be wiped off the Earth to make way for the progeny of the reasonable, objective reasonable minded people who aren't too fond of wrecking their own futures with their own hands for lack of a better thing to do.

        Personally speaking, I find listening to rap very soothing in times of turmoil, as well, in all other times. This particular song I'm listening to is about how men prefer women who are both "book AND street smart", alongside another set of qualities that includes independence, acceptance and being HOT HOT HOT. so, ladies, stop worrying about whether you look fat in those jeans, because, if you don't receive an average of 3 comments per day on those, then your man would appreciate having your attention directed to something that holds more interest to him.

         Peanuts and tuna. Can't see the relation? Let's see how peanuts and tuna can be combined. The least creative way: chuck em together and eat. Not too creative, and the Chinese have been mixing nuts with meat for ages. You suck. But how about we process tuna in machinery made of lots and lots of peanuts? We'd have peanut flavouerd tuna. Or maybe we can compress tuna into peanut sized capsules? All the goodness and nutrition of tuna in an easy-to-administer form. Great consumer compliance, don't you think?

        Why would anyone call a label Young Money? I've never seen a newly-formed currency with a high international value. I dunno whether the problem lies with rappers' vision of economics, or with mine, but I think rappers could think better names up. Just saying.

         Vampire Diaries is a cheap ripoff of Twilight which is a cheap ripoff of Harry Potter. Just last night, instead of revising my culture media so I can actually get the question I got on my question today right, I kept trying to breed vampires with other forms of awesome lifeforms in my head trying to achieve the ultimate combo. Ninja vampires, not too awesome. Pirate Vampires? Meh. What really kicked me in the gnads, in a good way, was Gangsta Vampires. Now that would be dope, they'd totally jack the car of that pussy white suburb rapper Edward Cullen. Pop a cap in his sparkly ass too. They can't read either. Totally gangsta, kool-aid forever.

          My nose is cold. I guess that's why people get married, to find someone to help them warm their noses up. Or to cook when their mums kick them out of the house and they risk starvation. I'm hungry.


         Y'all are boring, how come you never say anything?


"Karma is a chick, You gotta treat her like your aunt Pat,
Buy her affection with jewels, tell her she ain't fat"

Infidelty Galore

          I hate January.

          I just caught myself staring into the distance, lips puckered, and thanking how much cake I'd have to eat for my pancreas to fail.

          I couldn't figure out how much cake I needed to eat.

          Why do we wrap women up? The only proper reason I could think of was to make sure they're all suffering from osteomalacia. I'm not buying the whole society thing, because historical case studies show disturbing homosexuality-related reasons that would refute this whole theory. It must be the osteomalacia.

          How much funding would I need to start my own international news agency?

          I've always wanted to learn how to make ship-inside-a-bottle models. They're just fascinating!

          My cat likes sauteed vegetables. Particularly cauliflower. True story.

          Edeeny fel 5eleejeyat!

          Of vinegar and bowel movements: the combination of the two isn't synergistic. Stop drinking vinegar, people. Or at least replace it with something along the lines of RedBull and Vodka. It'll taste better.

         I'm bored, but I'll be back with more. As soon as I feel like it :)


         "Strawberry mushroom, cookie and cake,
          Please go buy me a goose milkshake"