Platoon?

          So alot of people out there have a problem with my homeboy Charles Darwin and my numerous referrals to his Natural Selection theory. Stop jelling, the dude is famous, you're not. If you want groupies, learn to play the guitar, play a couple of jingles while you're half-shaven, and once u start attending all the right parties, everything will fix itself up. But don't go around messing with any of my dawgs, or I might just "naturally" select your progeny off the future of mankind. Terminator-style. I'll be back. Hail to the Governator.

          So, moving from biology to social psychology. I have a personal theory, but I like to keep that to myself. My less personal theory consists of three frames:

• Frame 1: People tend to be stupid especially when they're under the effect of some form of some intense emotion. Suicidal behaviour is not uncommon.
• Frame 2: The age range between 16-22 years old has the unique characteristic of having the most gullible and naive mentalities ever. If you want someone who's easy to convince and who has the physical capability to wreak havoc, that's a nice age range to start targeting. They rarely change their perspective with age, which would be to your advantage, seeing as it is actually YOUR perspective.
• Frame 3: When the general literate population is below half, and when the highly educated sector of a society reads what's worth 2 books per annum, and when these 2 books are religious books, meaning that they tackle issues well beyond the scope of our lifetime, then you know you have a problem, especially if such a population decides they're all great political analysts when they haven't owned two history or politics books to rub together.

So what's the product of this theory? The flock of sheep concept is much closer and much more significant than you would like to think.

         What kind of mobile phone accessory shop doesn't sell chargers? Seriously? That's disturbing.

         T.I pops bottles but he doesn't pour. That's important.

         Why is the default colour for msn messenger blue? It doesn't even look good as a background for the Microsoft logo. So it's either a frame, consumed fruit or polar birds? That's messed up.

         Anyone own a Kindle? Are they any good?

         You know you're in trouble when your population rise rates are lower than those of Mexico but your produce includes Justin Bieber. If you're not fond of your citizens' ability to reproduce, you could have at least come up with someone to save you some face, Canada.

         How I Met Your Mother? You would't want to know, kid, but let's just say you can call me Daddy.

         Vampire Diaries? What kind of pussy vampire keeps a diary? And if it's not a vampire's diary, then why is it called Vampire Diaries? You're not making sense.

          House? Yeah, it's a very common name. People usually own one. I love this guy. AND I actually know what the patient suffers from. I'm superior to you other viewer people!

         Grey's anatomy? Let;s just say if we find the similarities between Grey's Anatomy and the actual Gray's Anatomy, we'll only end up with the female and male genitalia.

         Scrubs? Well, I have news for you, pops, doctors don't walk around in their scrubs, and this show is as medically oriented as my lunch.

         Nip/Tuck? Dope, with lots of hot women involved. Too plastic though, and I don't think this is a coincidence. Good director. Disturbed characters.

         Lost? F*** you.

        CSI? I'm not buying it you bunch of police officer/forensic analyst wannabes.

        Big Bang Theory? If I want to see lifeless nerds, I'd just go to college.

       You, dear sir/madam, hold no interest for me whatsoever. So yeah.

"Platter, Clatter, Shatter, Stammer,

Sapper, Tapper, Capper and everything ending in -er"

        

Russian Mafia Dude

         This blogpost is a special request by someone I consider to be a very special person, but now, it most probably is not you, so don't get your hopes up. Don't worry though, there's plenty of Ismail to go around, ladies ;)

         So, with the emotions running high and the IQ running scarce these days, it's hard for people to keep their cool and remain objective about things. Thank you, Charles Darwin, for introducing us to Natural Selection, because it provides a very simple explanation for this phenomenon: in a few millenia, all idiots will be wiped off the Earth to make way for the progeny of the reasonable, objective reasonable minded people who aren't too fond of wrecking their own futures with their own hands for lack of a better thing to do.

        Personally speaking, I find listening to rap very soothing in times of turmoil, as well, in all other times. This particular song I'm listening to is about how men prefer women who are both "book AND street smart", alongside another set of qualities that includes independence, acceptance and being HOT HOT HOT. so, ladies, stop worrying about whether you look fat in those jeans, because, if you don't receive an average of 3 comments per day on those, then your man would appreciate having your attention directed to something that holds more interest to him.

         Peanuts and tuna. Can't see the relation? Let's see how peanuts and tuna can be combined. The least creative way: chuck em together and eat. Not too creative, and the Chinese have been mixing nuts with meat for ages. You suck. But how about we process tuna in machinery made of lots and lots of peanuts? We'd have peanut flavouerd tuna. Or maybe we can compress tuna into peanut sized capsules? All the goodness and nutrition of tuna in an easy-to-administer form. Great consumer compliance, don't you think?

        Why would anyone call a label Young Money? I've never seen a newly-formed currency with a high international value. I dunno whether the problem lies with rappers' vision of economics, or with mine, but I think rappers could think better names up. Just saying.

         Vampire Diaries is a cheap ripoff of Twilight which is a cheap ripoff of Harry Potter. Just last night, instead of revising my culture media so I can actually get the question I got on my question today right, I kept trying to breed vampires with other forms of awesome lifeforms in my head trying to achieve the ultimate combo. Ninja vampires, not too awesome. Pirate Vampires? Meh. What really kicked me in the gnads, in a good way, was Gangsta Vampires. Now that would be dope, they'd totally jack the car of that pussy white suburb rapper Edward Cullen. Pop a cap in his sparkly ass too. They can't read either. Totally gangsta, kool-aid forever.

          My nose is cold. I guess that's why people get married, to find someone to help them warm their noses up. Or to cook when their mums kick them out of the house and they risk starvation. I'm hungry.


         Y'all are boring, how come you never say anything?


"Karma is a chick, You gotta treat her like your aunt Pat,
Buy her affection with jewels, tell her she ain't fat"

Infidelty Galore

          I hate January.

          I just caught myself staring into the distance, lips puckered, and thanking how much cake I'd have to eat for my pancreas to fail.

          I couldn't figure out how much cake I needed to eat.

          Why do we wrap women up? The only proper reason I could think of was to make sure they're all suffering from osteomalacia. I'm not buying the whole society thing, because historical case studies show disturbing homosexuality-related reasons that would refute this whole theory. It must be the osteomalacia.

          How much funding would I need to start my own international news agency?

          I've always wanted to learn how to make ship-inside-a-bottle models. They're just fascinating!

          My cat likes sauteed vegetables. Particularly cauliflower. True story.

          Edeeny fel 5eleejeyat!

          Of vinegar and bowel movements: the combination of the two isn't synergistic. Stop drinking vinegar, people. Or at least replace it with something along the lines of RedBull and Vodka. It'll taste better.

         I'm bored, but I'll be back with more. As soon as I feel like it :)


         "Strawberry mushroom, cookie and cake,
          Please go buy me a goose milkshake"

Pernicious Delicious

          So a friend of mine asks me to start writing about hating cold. Cold is funny, in a way, people who hate it do so for the exact same reason that those who like it feel that way for; the need to snuggle into bed with a hot drink while the winds roar outside and all that crap. Winter is cold. Cold is dangerous to your body that's why it's less bearable and more horrible. Do not support the cold by attempting to poke fun at it. I could use a warm jacuzzi dip right now.

          There's a 60 cm high mosque, a miniature in marble, on the floor. I'll guess we'll never know the reason why its taking up space in the living room.

           Instead of writing marble in the paragraph above, I wrote garlic at first, for some reason. I was probably sleepy.
 
          I'm listening to a song about a guy who knows the weedman. Apparently that's something big. I don't know any weedmen though. Must have something to do with the fact that I don't do weed. but still, if they have songs about weedmen, why don't I know one?

          So I'm watching the King Kong remake. Good movie. Lotsof hype at Universal Studios in LA too. The King Kong vs T-Rex scene is legendary. Just like Barney Stinson, only less blond and less formally dressed.

         It's funny how today was the exact mirror image of a day that happened 9 months ago. I like mirror images, they show irony, and I lvoe a touch of irony in life, it makes everything vastly more interesting.

         How come I usually write really long paragraphs, only this time I decided to keep everything brisk and short? For some reason, short seems crisp at the moment, and I like crisp, it's usually very refreshing.

         Apparently a friend of mine thinks my aura is red coloured. Cool, right?

         How come all female-oriented ads are about moisturizers these days? What happened to good-ol'-fashioned water? Don't people drink that anymore? True moisture comes from the inside, people, and no, Gordon's Dry gin doesn't count.

          King Kong is a really sad movie. It sends its point across very well. Which is the real beast, the furry primate or the bipedal one? You be the judge.

          Peanuts are fun.

          That's it for now, But I promise I'll be back soon with a new post.

"Ey mama, I know the weedman"

Partners in Slime

          Justin Bieber. Boogers. What do they have in common? Alot, but I won't be elaborating since some ladies actually read this. I'm not too worried about the ladies being effish, i's just that women put a damper on men's jokes. Just saying, Lord LG. Life's Good.

         Some people are special. Some people are worth little less than the amount of interest the average Joe pays tot he inscriptions on the sewer lids. But enough about those, let's rewind tot he special ones. I personally have a number of categories for those. Examples: those who would tolerate listening to ur music without complaining too much. Those who would write stories with small inside jokes for your amusement. Those who would risk loads to go out there and help you out. Those who would make  something as simple as sitting in a car a very memorable experience. Those who would make you make fun of them just for the fun of it. Those who wear silvery purple nailpolish (I like silvery purple). Those who can cook, and are willing to feed you. Et cetera.

       German is the only language in which you have to capitalise the nouns as a rule. Arabic is the only language with an individual letter symbolising a stressed D syllable. English is the only language in which it is grammatically acceptable to say "like" so many times, with side effects including you sounding like a moron.French is the only language that makes you sound like something that bleeds every 28 days. Ialian is the only language, besides Arabic, in which sharsha7a can be a well-practiced art. Esperanto is the only language that makes you feel like you've got it all under control but then you realise you're still a dumdum. You speak German?

         Caramel's burned sugar, so to say. But if we add burned sugar to chocolate which contains unburnt sugar, it tastes good. Try adding burned bread to unburnt bread. It'll still taste horrible. so what's the secret? I have no idea. 2Pac once said "They say the darker the berry, the sweeter the fruit, well i say the darker the colour, the deeper the roots". I know he wasn't talking about caramel, but does that mean that the darker the caramel the deeper the sugar plantation? Let's assum,e therte is such a thing as a deep sugar plantation. does that mean the sugar canes grow underground? Ants will have a field day, so it's not too practical. But it does mean we'll have managed to genetically engineer a plant that needs no light to grow. What's next, a World of Warcraft who won't get addicted? Get real, people.

          That's all for tonight. not in a very talkative mood, but I'll leave you with one of my world-famous lines:

If the Aztecs used cocoa beans for money, and we print banknotes out of paper, how come we keep on saying that money doesn't grow on trees?

Adiaux

       

The Pacific Dilemma

          "So where there's smoke there's fire, where there's fire there's flames, where there's flames there's Chronic, either you high or you ain't" - Dr. Dre.
 
          "It must be the ganja, it's the marijuana, that's creepin' up on me, why I'm so high" - Eminem

          Why have I started my blogpost with two rap weed-related quotes? No idea.

        So what with Ye7ya being in the Grammys, Wezza's video spreading like wildfire, pussy AUCians protesting over some pussy shit and my cursing levels reaching this month's high, it's been a very nice October, thank you for asking. Yesterday I heard this really great joke. Remind me to tell you about it later in this post. What's up with hair ointment advertisements these days? What kind of idiot really believes that olive oil/mayonnaise extract/wheat extract/cactus juice/snakeskin fat can nourish hair? Seriously? I mean, last time I checked, hair was, kind of, like, a dead structure, and, well, zombies aside, most dead things don't usually require too much nutrition, you know. Besides, for something that 97% protein and 3% water, it sure does require loads of fat for nourishment, what's with all these oils, don't you think? Someone should sue, but I won't, I'll be the skeptic viewer watching the trial on TV and making fun of everyone. Oh, wait, they've banned the media from trial halls. Crap.

          "El-So2al dah VIP STUMP. 7ad fahem 7aga?". If this quote doesn't ring any bells, then you're welcome to skip this paragraph. What's up with Doctor catchphrases? Why would I care about Jewish pathologists? Why would you verbally abuse Jewish pathologists? Not only ave they created the science you teach as a means of feeding your family, you also suck at it more than they do. And what's with the worms guy, seriously. "Maho law kont betgeeb el 5eyar 3ashan taklo kont 3ereft"? Seriously? That's just wrong, dude. Lose the goatee. I wouldn't want to see my son grow up into this, let alone see myself grow up into this. It's a hard knock life.

           What's up with trunks? From vegetables (Black Eyed Peas) ("whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?") to rapping M&M ("you got more junk in your trunk than I do in my car") and the world is still thinking about the common points between asses and graphics cards. Get over it people, they both give you something to look at. So now you can literally go to the "hood" to "pimp your ride" (your ride not being your car) and working on that front "bumper" and that "trunk", making it "bounce". Gotta love the innuendo. Or cars. Or women. OR Cars AND Women. What's the difference between 'em anyway, apart from the metal, and much lower running costs and the much lower word-spoken-per-minute rating? (You all know which of the pair I'm praising right now, don't you?).

           So, I'm bored with this post, so I'll just leave you all with that joke I promised earlier:

An Irishman walks out of a bar.



       

Living Room Oil Spill

          It's been a pretty hectic day. what with standing on sidewalks reminiscing on old memories while watching hungry stray cats sniff everything for food remains, to discussing why am I still standing there after class, and with people egging em to upload my blog, coughing, sleeping in class, having dreams in class, waking up in class, waking other people up in class, eating Sondos crepes, i'ev barely had time to breathe, eat, surf the web, chat online and make a couple of phone calls. They should definitely pay me for this.

          My cat has a black nose. He's sitting on my lap as I write this. I love the little retarded furball.

          Have you heard of Dr. Mousa and his schistosoma jokes? If not,t hen I don't suggest you try.

          I like pomegranate, they're juicy and pink and delicious. They're good for you, way better laxative than cigarettes. go get your pomegranate NOW.

          I will not buy a new phone that costs me Idon'tcarehowmany EGP a day so I can talk to my friends on the go. Whatever happened to ADSL and/or Ebuddy + WAP?

          I gave someone I know a nickname a while back. An onomatopoeia nickname, matter of fact. I think it's cute. Don't go jelling, because you probably won't get one. This is Ismail's Royalty Treatment. Are you Royalty?

          I think my cat's running on batteries.

         Aaaaaaand that's all for tonight folks. As I always say, teeth are overrated. Mashed apples are too.